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Very attractive woman – a 43-year-old personal trainer who hated online dating for the very reason you mentioned. When we went through the website to take inventory, I asked her to put 40 guys on her favorites list. The only 6 guys she found attractive looked like 32-year-old GQ models whose preferred age range was 22-29.
My client was pretty much out of luck because she found less than 1% of men attractive, including NO men her own age who wanted her in return.
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You seem to be somewhat aware of this when you state that you walk away from emotionally distant men – and yet you claim they’re the only people you sleep with, since the “vast, vast, vast” majority of men are unattractive to you. I agree, she’s self-aware and right to be concerned if that hindera her goals.
And here you are, writing to me, wondering if you will ever be able to love anyone. I can’t “fix” you from here, but I can tell you that something is very wrong if you only find 2 people attractive “every few years.” There’s being discerning, and there’s being impossible, and you’ve unfortunately raised the bar so high that no man can jump it. I’m just bracing for some of the responses that are coming.
However, I’m also aware having been through a lot of therapy after numerous and significant mental health difficulties (eating disorders etc.) that I tend to date cold or unavailable men and then not ask for more and maintain that emotional distance – essentially, I seem to have been in a habit of avoiding intimacy by going out with people I don’t find attractive, or more often than I’d like to admit, men who I know are gay before I even ask them out…otherwise they’re narcissistic or give mixed messages, or aren’t close in some way etc.
Knowing that I have that pattern, I made a promise to myself to pick up on coldness whenever I find someone attractive and to walk away.
I have tried being with people I don’t find attractive – and I usually remain friends with very nice men I have tried to date but didn’t find attractive, and I’m afraid they don’t start growing on me. Have you come across this and do you think the reason I find so many men physically unappealing is because of something psychological? After all of your therapy, you are as self-aware as you can be, and yet it still seems to me that you have some significant blind spots about your problem.
Some of my friends think it’s do with the bar being raised…I’m quite attractive myself and I’ve had a lot of attention from the opposite of sex since I was about 13, including the “very good looking”, so perhaps it’s just knowing what I could have and that that’s influencing me? Now, first of all, I want to make it crystal clear: you are not alone.
I’m not going to say whether these women are right, although THEY certainly feel they are.
I will say that men, for all their flaws, are equal opportunity daters in a way that women are not.
While they will still lust for the hottest woman around, they’ll ultimately marry someone in their league, which, empirically, is not always that attractive.
Your issue, however, is a little more extreme, and reminds me of a client I had a few years back.
Just read what you wrote to me:“(I) avoid intimacy by going out with people I don’t find attractive.”Sorry, but I want to challenge that assertion.Tags: Adult Dating, affair dating, sex dating